Habits

I've been aware for some time that I've been drinking too much. Way too much. For the last couple of years.

In fact, I couldn't remember the last time I went to bed sober. Clearly, that is not good. Clearly it was a problem, but was it a Problem.

I'd come to accept that I was probably an alcoholic, and that it was definitely causing me harm. At my lowest I wondered if it was deliberate, slow suicide.

So, a couple of days ago I stopped drinking. Last week I had terrible acid reflux - belching and uncontrollable hiccupping, something that never happens me me. I have something of an iron stomach and never seem to suffer from even indigestion, so this worried me a bit.

It was easing off and on Saturday evening I fixed myself a gin and tonic and it roiling immediately returned. So that was my last alcohol for the night. Just tonic after that. The same every evening since, just tonic and lemon, which tastes lovely and fits the habit of having a couple of glasses of something.

Today, I took the dog on a long early evening walk and, when I got home thought "I fancy a beer". It didn't feel like a craving, I just thought it would hit the spot. I had a couple of tins of lager in the fridge, and more in the cellar head.

So I cracked open one of the cold ones while making my evening meal and it did indeed hit the spot. I finished the tin, dropped it in the recycling - and didn't even consider going for the remaining one.

I got the bottle of tonic from where I'd put it in the freezer - right next to half a bottle of mostly frozen gin - and made myself a gin and lemon.

I'd not planned this. I'd not considered what I'd do if that first beer had started a chain, but in retrospect I think the only sensible thing would've been to pour every bit of booze in the house down the sink.

So, I guess I'm not an alcoholic after all? I'm not claiming any strength of will or character, or a super power, I think I've just been lucky, and I could so easily have not been. It seems that I might be able to have the occasional drink, but will keep a careful watch over myself and, should I start to fall into that pit again try to pull myself up short.