Sunday, 4 June 2017


I've always fought against fear, fear of failure and pain. Fighting to try and overcome the knowledge that failure is inevitable and that any success or happiness is just putting off the time when things will come crashing down, and make the crash all the worse.

I try. I try to be positive and try to work hard and try, most importantly, to be a good person but that just ends up throwing into starker relief that I can't do these things. I thought it was getting easier - or, at least, less phenomenally, impossibly difficult. There was always the fear hanging over my of slipping back to the time when surviving each day didn't feel like any sort of victory, but just left me with the crushing weight that I'd have to try to do it again and again, pushing the rock up the hill only to have it roll to the bottom again,knowing that one day I'd not be strong enough and the rock would squash me.

Perhaps it should be relief of sorts to be back there. one less thing to be afraid of. But it isn't.


  1. Replies
    1. Hi James

      Just run down by the locomotive marked 'depression', even though I knew I was standing on the tracks.

      Thank you for your concern, genuinely

  2. I have been there, and it sucks. Life just crashes all around you. I will not try to give you any unsolicited advise, as I know it to be unhelpful from experience. I would just sink lower.

    This is me your goodreads friend,

    Take care