entropy

I don’t quite believe how long it has taken me to make this connection, but I guess that is part of the pathology.

I’ve hit a dip. From feeling quite well I’ve suddenly plummeted, for no good reason I can place. Dropped so deep I’ve been ideating suicide, at least as an image, as a thing to hold and observe dispassionately. As a concept worthy of consideration.

But then I’ve also done something else that hasn’t happened in quite some time. While walking I’ve just found myself coming to a stop, slowing and ceasing like clockwork winding down, and standing there until I realise I need to make the effort to start moving. This has, as I suggest, happened before - but the realisation is that this is precisely the effect of severe depression; the weight of it makes me grind to a halt while the world around me continues to move, and the stress caused by this disconnect builds until it becomes something I cannot bear.

If you haven’t experienced it I must emphasise that this is no metaphor; in neither the physical nor mental case am I deliberately stopping, the energy to continue just seems to evaporate until some part of me kicks in to keep me moving. But what will happen when that energy isn’t there?