Descent

I’ve been signed off sick for just over a month. Every time I get that two-weeks certificate it makes me feel more like a fraud and a failure. But I’d thought I was getting there. I’d contacted my manager when I sent in my last note earlier this week to say i wanted to arrange my provisional return to work when it ran out, but then this week I’ve just collapsed. i don’t know why, but I feel like I’ve been sideswiped into a deep, dark ditch. I feel like I’m back to where I was three or four years ago in the bleak depths of my depression, and I have no idea why.

I can hardly look at myself in a mirror, barely able to meet the gaze of the hateful monster that stares back at me. Being around people is worse, because they are all mirrors - and people who know me and care about me the worst, because the reflection is distorted by their expectations, however benevolent, however kind. (I know; it is my perception of their expectations that is the problem, making it triply distorted).

I’d come so far. After crashing and burning I’d slowly rebuilt my life and it feels as though everything is crumbling to dust again.